Help Bring Frankenstein to Life!!!

Howdy! I am directing an awesome new project for Landless' 10th Season. It's a Prog-Metal Rock Opera by Richard Campbell called Frankenstein and I'm super excited about it. I love Metal, and Prog-Metal is definitely my favorite, so when we decided to produce this show, I nearly went crazy. When I was a tween, I used to sit in my room and pen really bad Rock Operas featuring all my favorite metal stars: King Diamond, Rob Halford, Ronnie James Dio and Bruce Dickinson. I dreamed of a day when I could put Metal up on stage in a theatrical setting. It never looked like it was going to happen because the world of traditional theatre was not very welcoming to loud Metal as a way of telling a story. Well, my dream is about to come true, minus my Metal idols, and it all feels surreal. I want to share what I love with others and maybe inspire people, who don't think they're into theatre, to come and have a great time. We've started an Indiegogo campaign to raise some funds for Frankenstein, so we can make it as rocktastic as possible. Check out our videos, check out the music, which you can buy on iTunes or listen to on Spotify, and donate if you can. Even a $1 will mean something to us. And if you can't donate, then please share our link with your friends. We love non-traditional theatre and we hope you do too!
http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/richard-campbell-s-frankenstein

2012 Apocalypse Exam

In light of the impending doom we will face on December 21st 2012, I thought that maybe we should all prepare the best way we can: a multiple choice exam. (Note: Contacting John Cusack in any way will result in a failing grade.)

1. One December 20th, you will be:
a. partying.
b. crying.
c. crapping yourself.
d. in disbelief, and obviously going to die.

2. The morning of December 21st. As the earth quakes and rips open, you have only time to grab one item that is beside you. Out of the options, which one would you pick? Please show your work in the margins.
a. a can of Tuna, which may be expired.
b. a ball of rubber bands.
c. an embarrassing knit hat that your crazy Great-Aunt knitted for you.
d. a half-empty bottle of sugar cookie scented hand lotion.

3. In the likelihood of zombies emerging from the graves during this apocalypse, you would:
a. flee to the mountains and live in a cave.
b. stay and offer your home as sanctuary to your family.
c. stay and invite all of your living friends over--the more the merrier!
d. say, "screw everyone, you all are zombie bait and will only slow me down", and board yourself into your house.

4. It's December 22nd, the day after. There is a looting spree. Armed only with a butter knife, you decide to loot:
a. A clothing consignment store loaded with angry grannies trying to grab Liz Claiborne sweaters.
b. 7-11, where a scary-looking group of thugs are gunning each other down over Slurpees, Doritos and Phillies Blunts.
c. The ultra snooty corner bakery that peddles foofy $6 cupcakes...but the baker is guarding the door with a rolling pin and a larger than life butcher's knife.
d. The stationary and pen store, where no one is at all...and probably haven't been in five years.

5. Now that everyone you loved or knew is dead, you get to recreate yourself in the post-apocalyptic world! Tres exciting! You become:
a. a scavenging ninja that remains under the radar.
b. a loner trigger-happy commando bent on eradicating all potential threats.
c. a cult-like leader who intimidates everyone by surrounding themself with thugs.
d. yourself because you haven't the time while you're recreating your family out of volley balls.

6. The Mayans were right and the apocalypse is coming.
a. True
b. False (note: picking false may result in several years of your friends saying, "I told you so.")

7. You're starving because you are a terrible scavenger. You look through your kitchen and must eat something. Your options are:
a. pickled beets
b. moldy brie
c. a dead cockroach as big as your thumb
d. screw this, I'll starve to death.

8. You're pretty sure the apocalypse is coming. A month prior, you decide to spend all your money since it will be of no use when end-of-the-world doom comes. You:
a. make it rain at The Snatch Ranch strip club.
b. buy all your friends and family the things they always wanted for Christmas, and give them their gifts early.
c. sell your house, and all your earthly possessions, buy an RV and tour the country.
d. buy as many weapons as you can, and stock up at the Army Surplus store, then stock up on canned beans and bottled water. And Gas-X, because who wants to sit in their own farts all through the apocalypse?

9. Once the electricity doesn't work anymore, you need to create something to generate energy so you can still play your Wii after the world ends. What combination of household objects will work? (choose carefully)
a. silvery gum wrapper, paper clip, and a copper wire.
b. a hand mirror, a ball point pen, and a 10-year- old 9-Volt battery that you removed from your smoke detector.
c. a horde of mice, a 10-speed bike, and a Magic Mike robot.
d. an old broken fan, a tape player (remember that?) and a screwdriver.

10. Once everything has settled, the survivors are ready to reboot society. Now it's finally your chance to make a change! You suggest:
a. that everyone go out and procreate (maybe you'll finally get laid!).
b. texting lingo is forbidden, most notably: OMG, IDK, and LOL.
c. no more school...no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks.
d. that you all vote for one person to make up the rules so you won't have to be responsible when it all fails.


Congratulations! You finished your exam! Your grades will be returned to you on December 19th, and a passing grade will determine your chance of survival. If you fail the exam, a makeup exam is scheduled for December 21st. Please talk to your TA, if this date is a problem, and a later date will be scheduled for you.

Parents Just Don't Understand

Lately, there's been a lot of hub bub about the role that princesses, and anything pink and frilly play in our daughters' lives. We've got the non-fiction book: Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein, the viral Youtube video of the little girl going on a rant over pink toys, endless articles and blogs about the war on pink and princesses. Let's get a few things out of the way: I am a feminist, pretty hard-core, and I am a life-long tomboy. I wear Chucks and jeans and t-shirts of zombies. I have a daughter who is spunky, loves pink, loves being girlie, loves princesses and fashion. Did I hear a gasp? I sure hope not because the truth here is that I am fine with that. She also likes ghosts, zombies and scary stories. She's very free with herself.

At first, when she was still a baby, I was appalled at all the pink in the stores, and the princess brigade that smashed in my home. I was in horror. And then I lightened up and realized that pink and princesses were not my enemies. Maybe I am alone on this, but I truly believe that you should let your children explore their likes and let them be free with liking things that you may find horrendous (like Justin Bieber). It was an important lesson I learned from my mother, who never tried to shape my likes. What she did shape were my values. I do not stand in the way of my daughter trying to figure herself out. She's not a toy and I don't need her to be my identical twin. I want her to live this life to the fullest, and enjoy every moment the way she wants to. I'm sure I just painted a picture of a swooning, marshmallow of a mom. But this is not the case. I am a tough mom. I don't put up with rudeness, meanness, violence, laziness or acting stupid. I encourage my daughter to perform to her fullest, to always believe in herself, and to be kind to others. The same as my mother taught me, and I think I turned out pretty good (maybe my opinion, let the bickering begin).

Women and girls should have as many choices as possible. Isn't that what we feminists have been fighting for? Don't we want our girls to grow up being however they want to be? Even if it means letting girls like pink and princesses. That's when I start to lock horns with the other feminists. The argument that is often placed before me is that the media and corporations are brainwashing our girls to be silly, frilly, girlie messes. What I think a lot of people are underestimating is the power of parenting and the power of free-thinking children. I can't tell you how many times my mom said "you can do and be anything you want to be", so imagine my surprise when the Army recruiter told me I couldn't be a Ranger because I'm a woman. I think what this whole argument comes down to is the fear that girls are being taught to be mindless girlie-girls. Well, if you teach your daughter to think for herself, then what's wrong with being girlie? You can blame the media all you want for shoving girlie stuff down our throats, but ask yourself "who is the media". Trust me, they're not some horned warlock on the top of a mountain, watching over the humans. They are people, and they act on what the population wants. If something is unsuccessful, they stop pushing it. And ultimately, you, as a parent are responsible for guiding your children and teaching them to think for themselves.

I have no problem with my daughter's love of girlie things. She's just exploring her personality, and if that means that the feminists of the world shun her, then so be it because THIS feminist thinks it's okay for people to just be themselves. A woman who is girlie is no less of a woman who is not. There are so many worse things to be than girlie: a drug-dealing crackhead, a mean-spirited person, a violent criminal, etc. I'll take girlie.

Letter to People Style Watch editor

Dear Ms. Susan Kaufman,



I have always been a fan of People Style Watch, as it provides a great escape at the end of the day and keeps me abreast on the latest fashion and makeup. I'm sorry to say, though, that the latest issue, September 2011, disappointed me in a way that I did not expect. The "What's In, What's Out" section included something rather disturbing that I do think deserves some serious thought for the future. In the "Out" section, Teacup dogs were declared as "out", and as Mandy Harris of Petsugar.com said, they "have had their moment." She continues to name specific breeds as to what is "in". I can understand considering foods, clothes, makeup, etc. as objects we weigh as "in" or "out", but to consider a living being as "out" is a sad and disheartening thought, humans included. This kind of mentality perpetuates animal cruelty, and even worse, the mass production of puppies in puppy mills, as entrepreneurs/breeders try to make as much money as possible, while neglecting care of living creatures, in order to satisfy the latest trend.



As a fan of your magazine, I understand that some things in the "In/Out" section are meant to be fun, but I feel the inclusion of animals sends such a horrible message. I am sure this was not your intention, but unfortunately, the subconscious message sent is that an animal is an object of trendiness, equivalent to a shoe or a handbag.

Move Over Bacon, Here Comes Sizzlelean!

Okay, so maybe I'm not Sizzlelean yet, but I have lost weight! I now weigh in at 140, which is not my target weight, but I am just glad that through hard work, I've shaved off nearly ten pounds.

Over the past year, I've had to overcome several personal obstacles, all created by my brain, of course, but sometimes those are the hardest obstacles to get past. My depression is starting to get under control, thanks to waking up butt-early and running on my neglected treadmill, and lifting weights. I can't tell you how much I missed lifting weights. When I was bodybuilding, it was my Zen time. Now when I pick up those weights, I can feel it all coming back. For me, it's being in control of my body. Lord knows you can't control many things in life, but when you can actually control yourself, that is truly empowering and uplifting. I don't feel so hopeless. It also helps me think through my problems and release my aggression. I really needed to channel my stress. Aside from my stress contributing to my weight gain, I even started to lose my hair. I can't tell you how horrifying that is for a lady to go through. I was devastated. The doctor told me it was stress and prescribed me this expensive Chinese shampoo, that even he said it could be a placebo. (thank you modern medicine...) But lifting weights, really helps me overcome that stress. Another Zen routine I have found is taking a weekly Walkabout through my town. I just walk for hours and look at nature, notice things that I've looked past for years, run into friends randomly...it's always an adventure, and so good for the soul.

One of the most helpful things: I keep a food diary on my iPhone, and that channels my OCD of making lists...never hurts to use your quirks to your advantage! Seeing what I put in my body is eyeopening. Some days, I was like 'Really? That itty bitty serving of candy is greater in calories than my breakfast?' That'll make you put the Snickers down real fast.

Ultimately, I think what makes me happiest is that my daughter sees me working out and it inspires her to be healthy. She's almost five, so planting that seed early can't hurt. My parents were always into fitness, and still are, and I grew up thinking it was normal, what I was supposed to do. Thanks to derailment of my own personal demons, I chucked aside that vital part of myself in favor of wallowing in my depression and succumbing to helplessness. Food is good, and the junkier the more it makes us feel temporarily satisfied. It's that temporary satisfaction that leads to our addictions. Now, I just try to indulge only once in a while, because really, I have a serious sweet tooth. But instead of the full Snickers bar, I find smaller things to satisfy that sweet tooth.

Still on the path, but I think this time, I won't get derailed so easily. I DO NOT want to slide back into the dark depression that sabotages my mind and body. Sorry, Snickers, you are so not worth it!

"What Do You Think? I'm a Chubby Girl With a Sweet Tooth"

That is what I said to my husband when he asked me if I wanted the rest of his ginormous slice of key lime pie from Outback Steakhouse. And it is true. We laughed about it, but it was the first time that I admitted it. That admission rang in my head for weeks. Sure, I put on pounds because I had a baby...FOUR YEARS AGO! Since then I have been tired, cranky, and depressed; all of which has been reflected in my eating patterns. I never engaged in mood eating until I had a baby. I don't know why, but that's how it went for me. Now, rewind five years ago. Five years ago, I was a runner, an amateur bodybuilder, and super-crazy health food consumer. So, how is it that five years later I am sitting here eating Ranch Doritos, take-out Chinese food and pizza with sausage? Lactose Intolerant Girl is eating cheese, ice cream, cheesecake and suffering each time because I feel emotionally whole when I eat those foods. This has bad news written all over it. I preach about eating healthy and making sure that kids eat healthy, but I am one of the offenders. Like any red-blooded American, I live in defensive denial and make excuses for not giving a damn about personal responsibility. I think I was fine with all of this until I broke my knee cap. That's when my weight and health came crashing down on me. I had a steel-rod brace on my left leg, a pair of crutches and the worst snow storms to hit the East Coast in nearly one hundred years. What did I do for six weeks? Sat on my ass, popped painkillers and ate (sometimes...it's hard to eat when you have to hobble on crutches through your small apartment just to get to the kitchen). I actually lost weight, along with a ton of muscle over those six weeks. Off came the brace and Physical Therapy started. I found that I enjoyed the torture sessions because they forced me to do exercises that I did when I was body building. It stirred those urges in me and I hungered to pick up my weights again. Unfortunately, depression is a bitch and that has been my worst opponent. My depression is pretty frickin' scary, to the point where I can't do anything but sit and stare at the wall. My weights sit in my living room, waiting to be lifted, but I stare right past them. Throw in a knee that has yet to be pain-free and you've got a seemingly bleak situation. Okay, so I was resigned to all of this. That's what everyone was telling me anyway: to resign myself to pain and the weight.

So, where does this all bring me? To my doctor's office. For my yearly. I know the rigmarole: scale, blood pressure check, pee in a cup. I had a healthy blood pressure reading, and my pee was fine. It was the scale that killed me. I had gained weight. I'm 5'3" and 147 lbs. Am I obese? Nope. Am I happy? Nope. Weight is a number, and is relative to the composition of your body. When I was body building I weighed 132 lbs. but I was rock-hard, all muscle. So, weight is relative, but I can vouch that my 147 lbs. is NOT muscle. After leaving the doctor's office, I told myself right then and there that I have to do something. I force my daughter to eat healthy, so how does it look when her mother doesn't do the same? How can I expect her to make good food choices later in life if I don't? The time has come, my friends! I am using this blog to document my quest to get back to healthy living and eating. I harbor no delusions of skinny, only hopes of feeling healthy and getting some muscle back. So, follow along and if you're going through the same thing, please chime in. The only way to succeed is with support!

"Father Christmas, give me your money!"

For the past six years I have not really shopped for Christmas. I bake. That's what I do, and people do enjoy it. I mean, who has any room for any more junk? Besides, I can't afford gifts, so that's just going to have to do. My Christmas stress ended six years ago when I hit rock bottom and didn't have a dime to my name. So while everyone else is ready to brawl in the middle of the mall, I breeze right on by and casually pick out a Christmas card. It's pretty liberating. My daughter is now old enough to get excited about Christmas, which is great...but it's also scary. My husband and I did buy her a few gifts, but we kept it simple and made sure they would be toys she would appreciate for longer than five minutes after unwrapping. Children are the easiest source of prey for corporations at this time of year. I can't even count on my fingers and toes how many commercials Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network show a day that are toys and electronics. It freaked me out the first time she really saw those commercials because suddenly it was "I want this!" or "I need this!" I keep telling her that the only things she needs are water, air and food. She obviously doesn't get my humor at Christmas, but she's just going to have to. I just hope that I can teach her that Christmas doesn't have to be $$. It's hard when this is being shoved down their throats at such a young age. Anyway, that got me thinking about just how much this country spends on Christmas. There is plenty of argument about Christmas' cost. Some say it's too much and others say it boosts the economy and provides jobs. Let's think in numbers. Christmas expenditures are generally $1000 dollars per family, though reported slightly less this year. Overall, America spends at a minimum of 400 billion dollars at Christmas. I say minimum because that's a number thrown around in 2006. It's 2009 and while things are shaky, they're still not slowing down that much. Think about all that can be done with $400 Billion or that cost $400 Billion...

Medicare's annual spending
Annual Imported Oil cost
Freddie and Fannie bailout
Provide clean water to the world
convert 6000 urban areas' traditional electricity to solar powered energy (http://blogs.zdnet.com/green/?p=6216)
Fix the US's sewer infrastructure (http://geospatial.blogs.com/geospatial/2009/11/sewer-infrastructure-requires-400-billion.html)
Provide healthcare for everyone in the US (http://sanders.senate.gov/newsroom/news/?id=546faa1e-ee8f-48a8-8f2b-64b7ba96dd2e)
Cover Social Security's annual budget
Walmart's full-year global sales (http://www.businesspundit.com/wal-mart-posts-more-than-400-billion-in-sales/)
Buy several small islands
Create a super-NASA program
House all 664,000 homeless Americans
Fund half of the Iraq war
Double annual spending on Cancer Research


This is only a small list of things you can do with specifically $400 Billion. Think about all the things we can do with less. I hope this is as eye-opening for you as it is for me. It makes you rethink the way we interact with the world financially and morally. There are so many things we could change if we just stopped spending on unnecessary possessions. All the organizations and charities that we donate a $1, $5 here and there for...we could actually do way more and make real changes. So much of the misery in the world could be eased, if we only could stop being manipulated by corporations. I know it's not that easy, but one can dream. You know all that debt that we're all in? We probably wouldn't be in all this debt if we didn't put such focus on material objects. So, rethink your New Year's Resolution this year. Instead of making the empty promise that you'll shed those last five pounds, challenge yourself and think of others. You may find it much more rewarding!

New York!

Well, I am back from New Rock City, after making my NY directorial debut, and I am pooped! It was the best trip ever!!!! I got to see Diamond Dead performed in New York, the mecca of theatre! I could go on for several blogs about how amazing Diamond Dead in NY was, and how fun it was being a part of the NY theatre experience, but I think I will take this time to go over the highlights of the wonderful New Yorkers that I met and some funny/weird situations that make me chuckle still.

The Uber-angry, half-naked, ripped dude threatening people as we waited for the D-train.

The Homeless beggar who threatened a man with, "I'll get you tomorrow" after the man smacked his begging cup with a rolled up paper.

Coney Island. The woman who managed to catch two seagulls on her fishing line. While a few people called out, "pull it in", one man screamed, "eat it!". The bird, meanwhile, was bobbing on the water, with wing in the air, attached to her line. The bird was reeled in, and a man sat on the bird, untangled it, and bird flew away. Not sure of the bird's fate. He flew closer to shore, landed in the water and sat there, floating for a while. I never saw him fly away, so maybe he sank to a watery grave. BTW, that was the biggest thing i saw anyone catch that day.

The "Shoot the Freak" barker at Coney Island. He was hilarious and nearly coaxed me to spend money to shoot a live human being with paintballs. I say nearly because my husband and I were far more tempted by fruity smoothies and funnel cake.

The old woman in a fringey Porn Rock shirt. They were another show at Fringe and had a huge following. Apparently someone called out to her as "mom" so I'm assuming she's related to a cast or crew member. Regardless, she was rockin' and apparently very supportive. Old doesn't mean dead!!!

NYPenn Station. Crazy place in general, but one night an unkempt old woman was shuffling around in rose colored underwear and a brown cardigan. That alone struck me as odd, but when she swatted at me with her plastic bag and screamed "get away from me, get out of here" I knew she was special. It ticked me off at the time, but now I can't help but feel bad that she obviously had no family or friends who cared enough about her to take care of her. Still, depressing as it sounds, I have to chuckle at the randomness in retrospect.

The Poet formerly known as "The Homeless Poet". He lives in a men's shelter now, so the homeless status is defunct. But he came up to me and tried to sell me a copy of his poetry for $2. I didn't have any and I am a bit leery of handing out my cashola to strangers. I told him sorry and then he said to me, "I do take numbers". I told him that was good and then he said, "they call me butter, cuz I'm on a roll." I about died. He chatted with me for a little bit and then wished me well. He was very nice and charming, and not high. It was one of those moments when you know that someone is really just a decent human being. I wish I had two bucks for him.

The salty conductor on the NJTransit who was ready to throw some guy off the train for not having a ticket. Made me and my husband think back to Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail. "he didn't have a ticket!"

The night we were on a stoop chatting with some friends and my husband warned one of them that the largest cockroach on Earth was behind her. That was pretty normal for DC or NY, but it was the nearby waif-like girl who said "I've never seen a cockroach before. I want to see it." My husband showed it to her as I told her that when you grow up with roaches you don't really want to visit them. She then proceeded to say, "Oh, wow, they're cute." No lie. Pretty funny.

Bouncing on the bed in my hotel room. Nothing is more fun than jumping on a bed that is not your own!

The stray cat, very clean- mind you, who sat on the steps of an open cellar of a store in Chinatown. I'm sure he was saying, "Shhhh...don't tell anyone I'm here." He was my favorite.

My friends getting engaged at the end of Diamond Dead. How sweet and cool! It was tear-jerking, even for this hard-heart ;p

I can see why NY inspires so many people to write or create art. It is a unique place that makes even the small, mundane things that occur there seem extraordinary. Maybe I'll be moving to NY soon, maybe not. Who knows? All I know is that I walked away with amazing memories and experiences. I was so glad that I shared them with my husband. It made the trip perfect.

BOO!

I think just about everyone enjoys a good ghost story. It's how we connect, create new folktales, share history. It doesn't even matter if you believe in it or not. The truth is that a small part inside of us hopes it is real. We hope that the ghosts and monsters that we talk about are real. Without them,where is the mystery in life?
I can not resist a good ghostly tale. In fact, I am obsessed. Any ghost show on TV, you know where to find me. Any compendium of true ghost stories, it'll be in my hands. I can't pass by a cemetery without imagining some lonesome spirit wandering amongst the tombstones. If someone begins to tell a tale, I will stop everything and listen with rapt attention. I don't even know when this obsession began. I've always been into creepy things, so maybe I was born this way. I never really thought twice about it, though. It's simply who I am. Recently, though, I have been wondering why I am so hooked on haunts. What is it about them that pulls me in? I'm not alone either. I know plenty of other folks like me who are addicted to ghosts too. My husband thinks I am a bit obsessed and I admit that I do make him suffer while I watch ghost-hunting shows, that are basically people walking in the dark and filming creepy locations. Still, I never get bored. I just don't understand it, and I'm not sure I ever will. It's safe to say that humans are afraid of death, so why are we so fascinated with everything that surrounds it? I can't even chalk it up to hopes of an afterlife. It is way beyond that. When you listen to people's experiences and stories, it is quite telling of who they are and how they live in this world. I think that's why I like to listen to people, to hear their thoughts on ghosts and their relationship with them. I've always wanted to write a good ghost tale, but I find that nothing I can imagine is ever as scary as what actually happens to people. Maybe one day I'll figure it out...

So, putting aside the debate of "are ghosts real"(really, if you believe in something, doesn't that make it real to you anyway?), I've made a list of what I consider the best ghost "stuff" out there to whet your appetite. That is, if you aren't too chicken!

Best Ghost Books:
Fiction- The Haunting of Hill House- Shirley Jackson
Hell House-Richard Matheson
Ghost Story- Peter Straub
Non-Fiction- Haunted America- Michael Norman, Beth Scott
Ghosts- Hans Holzer
Possessed Possessions (any of the series)- Ed Okonowicz

Best Ghost Movies:
Changeling (not the Angelina Jolie movie, folks!)
Ammityville Horror
The Haunting (with Claire Bloom)
Burnt Offerings
The Legend of Hell House

Best Ghost Shows:
Ghost Hunters- Syfy (let's not get started about the sci-fi name change)
Ghost Adventures- Travel Channel
Haunted History- History Channel
Ghostly Encounters- Biography Channel


I would love for anyone to add to this list. I crave this stuff, so feed my addiction!!!!

Interview With A Nerd

Well, it's been a while! An economic collapse really takes a drain on your schedule! As well as directing a bunch of kids in The Wizard of Oz. Anyway, lately people have been reflecting on great interviews of our time: Frost/Nixon, Katie Couric/Sarah Palin, The View/Blagojevich and "the boy"/Louis the Vampire. An interview is the public's chance to see someone air their dirty laundry and suffer from humiliation. Admit it, it's fun to watch people squirm. So as not to be all judgy, I decided to subject myself to the humiliation of opening myself to highly personal questions, with a great chance of looking like I'm dumb. I asked several of my colleagues to grill me, and they jumped right on the opportunity like sharks on chum. No more waiting!!! Drumroll...

Jen T: If you were trapped in a burning building and had your choice of saving only one thing, would it be: the jar of pickles, the stack of comic books (none of which you have opened since you were five), the change between the couch cushions, keys to something you're not too sure of, or a package of guitar strings?
A FIRE?!!! I Thought I replaced the batteries in the detectors! My dreams of being a Fire Marshall are crushed! And I took that class and everything… Okay, so I’m assuming that my husband, my cat and my child are safe…so I’ll have to go with the jar of pickles. Remember the homeless guy sketches on In Living Color? I could make a crap-load of money doing that impersonation!!! $$$$$$

Jason W:
Define nerd-ism and what makes you think that you belong in such an elite group.
Nerd-ism: embracing one’s nerdiness; the practice of analyzing details of the mundane, or topics that the general population do not care about. There is an air of elitism to being part of the nerd bunch, but I find that most nerds usually don’t realize that they are part of the group anyway.
Why don't more nerd-dudes groom themselves?
No time…must program….
When did you first realize that you were a nerd?
When people in school shouted “Nerd!” as I walked by.
Have you had nerd tendencies all your life?
Yes. Wait…I did have killer tendencies for a while there too, but who’s counting?
How many nerds does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?





One to lick the Tootsie Roll Pop; one to monitor and take down data; two nerds to build a time machine and figure out how to enlarge a wormhole and keep it open, then out of those two nerds, one mans ground control while the other uses the time machine to travel through the wormhole to the exact moment in the future when the first nerd gets to the center of the Tootsie Roll Pop. So, 4 total. Hey, you never said, “how many licks does it take?”

Josh S: With all the horrors of the modern world, why do you choose to focus your attention on nerdy things, rather than important ones?
Let me tell you, when an asteroid is crashing towards Earth and the only person who can help you is the cooped up Nerd who owns all the action figures from Buffy, but also has been spending his loveless nights creating a machine that could deflect the asteroid off course, you’ll see that the nerdy topics ARE the important ones. P.S. Obama is a nerd. WE WON!!!!

Ally J: Who would you screw/marry/kill out of these choices and why? Elmo, Ernie and Cookie Monster.
Elmo – Kill. I don’t think I really need to explain why.
Ernie- screw? Can you really screw a puppet? They’re kind of soft. Anyway, I chose screw for this because he’s the only human on the list and I ain’t into bestiality.
Cookie Monster- Marry. He seems to be compatible with me. We both like food and we both regularly use bad grammar. Me love Cookies and me no like Elmo!

Amanda W: It's Zombie Time! You crash-land on a seemingly normal planet (yes we're talking commuting planet space travel here) You and your crew must travel to the nearest town to get new parts for your ship. When you get to town you find there was government experimenting going on and shocking but true the testing has gone awry and the whole population has been turned into zombies. Good news is you can raid the local mechanics for free parts to fix your ship. Bad news, you have to get through the town of zombies to get to the chop shop and then again to get back to your ship, fix it and get off this hellhole! Pick your crackpot crew! They can be from literature or movies. You need 4 crew members plus yourself and an explanation why you chose them.
Hmmm….
1. McGyver…he can fix anything. It also helps to have a fellow nerd as an ally, in case of a mutiny situation. (I’ve watched Survivor, I know these things)
2. Elvis- have you seen his kung fu moves? I have no doubt that Elvis could kick the ass of any zombie alien…while singing!
3. Elvira- Every team needs a wise-cracking chick on board. Plus, she’s seen enough zombie moves that she probably could defeat them with her bazookas. Also, being half naked distracts any male: human or zombie alien.
4. Alf- Okay, so his track record for fixing a spaceship sucks. It took him how many seasons to fix it? But we’re missing two key factors here: he’s an alien who does not eat humans, and he did eventually fix his ship. I think those are reasons enough to have him on the team.

Jen S:
If you had to choose between eating a stanky homeless sock and pushing a very old women (whom you do not currently know) into traffic, which would you choose?
Well, homeless socks have a lot of germs and calories. That would really leave me only one choice wouldn’t it? A girl’s got to watch her figure.
Which lunch meat do you like best?
Honey smoked Ham. Go meat!
What is your bra size?
Somewhere between absolute low self-esteem and praying for a boob lift.
If you could change the ending of any story ever told, which would it be and what would you change it to?
I would have to change the ending of the bible. What a downer! I just don’t see how an apocalypse is the way to end a story. It doesn’t really inspire me to do good. It just makes me think, “Wow, I’m screwed either way.”
The only proper way to end the bible is for Jesus to come back, go on a stadium world tour with Cher, spreading his words of goodwill, and then everyone evaporates, their spirits go to heaven (see clause below). See, in my version heaven is full of cool stuff like the Wii and chocolate. And for some of us, Doritos.
Clause: Basically everyone goes to heaven UNLESS they have murdered or raped someone, or did not go to see Jesus because he was touring with Cher. You might not like her, but you should really trust Jesus’ pick. He is the son of God, you know.

If a boy told you his name was Pinocchio, and while telling you that his nose began to grow, would this be a paradox? Explain your reasoning.
Naturally, it would be considered a paradox, UNLESS… His name was not Pinocchio and the Blue Fairy had actually answered more than one lonely toy maker’s wish. Then his name could very well be Larry and his nose is growing because he is lying. But…if his name is Pinocchio then we have a case of the loophole theory. Okay, so if Pinocchio has multiple personalities and the one personality is asked what his name is. He does not say his name, but says Pinocchio. Therefore he is technically lying, because he does not associate himself with that name. Are you really lying if you lie about something you think is a lie, but is really not a lie?
Or…he’s just happy to see me!

If You Build It They Will Come, Part Mew

Here they are! The pics of the House that Cat Built! Actually, this house is much better than the one my dad built for our dog.

Are those shingles? Oh yes, they are.

Cats agree, this house looks pretty good!

This is the inside! Cozzzzzyyyyy!!!!!

As usual, the cats have to fight over who gets the fluffy pillow!

If You Build It, They Will Come!

I LOVE cats! I cherish my cat and she even has her own Facebook page. Get this, she has 24 friends currently. So, 24 people love my cat too! I can't explain to you why I'm a cat junkie. If I see a cat walking around, I am instantly BFF's with them. Maybe I was a cat in a past life...

My house was full of cats when I was a kid. At one point I think we had 8 cats living in our small house. It was not snug-fest, but more like American Gladiators. Good times! My mom always seemed hesitant to let another stray cat in, but she would cave in. I used to think it was our sad little faces or our promises to care for the homeless creature, but now I have had some recent realizations. My dad liked cats too, but he was never outspoken. He would pet them, but not swoon over them or spend his entire afternoon throwing toys for them. Can you guess who was doing that?

After the last cat in the brood of 8 died, my dad swore off having any more cats in the house. I believed him for a while...until he retired. There was a legion of strays in the backyard that had regular feeding times and names. Now, my dad is not known for his ability to name animals. Our dog was named Chico. The strays were named "grey kitty", "grey kitty's sister", "bob-tail kitty", "Big boy kitty", "Whiny" and "One-eyed Jack". I laughed it off until I saw cat toys in the backyard. I asked my mom about it and she told me that dad bought them and plays with the cats. That moment I said, "you know he's going to build a house for those cats". Then I'd joke about the house being like the infamous dog house for Chico: a two-story doghouse made out of plywood scraps. Two stories? No ladder or steps? anyway...

The cats already had a shelter: they slept under the patio table and they even had pillows. That was more than luxurious for a stray cat, right?

Just today my mom told me that dad is building a house...for the cats...with siding. I laughed and joked that they'd get a hot tub next, but I commend my dad for his commitment to keeping animals happy and safe. I saw it coming, so I can't say I'm surprised. I'm sure there are plenty of other cat-fanatics out there who have done the same thing, but have they done it right? Don't get me wrong; any stray appreciates a roof over their head, but if you could peer into their tiny little minds and see what they really want...

Motion-sensor doors: cats do not like to do any work and they don't like things to touch them.

Low Ceilings: makes them feel big

Windows with large fluffy sills and mechanical squirrels and birds on rotation outside: It's like TV for cats, plus if it's a stray they might have PTSD-so might as well placate them.

Grass carpeting: Who said that only the Ancients needed a Vomitorium? Barf-city!

Room o'Balls: Not a ball jump room- please, cats would be offended if a ball touched their fur. Just a room where they can bat around balls and then walk away like they just don't care. Make sure to have a pair that dangle down. They are sadistic.

Heating: Has to be Central Air otherwise you'll have Kitty Flambe.

Watering Hole: Have you ever noticed that cats don;t want to drink out of their designated water bowl? They always seem to gravitate towards that cup of water you've left in your nightstand, or the toilet (or in my house's case- the urinal). So why force them to drink from a bowl. Make a room that has a little pond (with a filter please) and a toilet for the connoisseur.

Scratching Post Central: wall-to-wall scratching posts, made out of carpeting. It gives them that sense of destruction, which makes a happy cat.

Human Room: A room that has one or two fake humans inside, preferably made out of straw and canvas for biting and sharpening claws on. The humans should be warm and do not move, ever. They should also have a voice box that quietly says, "Good Kitty" or "Who's a pretty kitty?", but most importantly, "Yes, your Majesty". It can only help their inflated egos.

Poop Palace: Four walls, floor made of kitty litter, and an automatic littler cleaner. Plant some grass in it for that extra touch of class.

Chow Hall: Being strays, they might want to bring in what they've killed for the day. Some are lazy and should have a paw controlled dry food release. Plush cushions and white tile flooring, plus posters with woodland critters and their kill spots.

Sun Roof: Not what you're thinking. I mean a literal sun roof, a section of roofing for ultimate sunning. should be flat and comfortable with a chilled beverage waiting for them (I hear they like Mouse-tinis.)

Pillows galore: For napping, sleeping, hiding. Not too fluffy and not too flat. Cat might come and find you and decide your face is better.

Clean Laundry: It never fails. You pull that load out of the dryer and walks away for a second before folding and sorting. You come back to a super-comfy cat peering up at you from the mound of warm clean clothes. This is bliss for a cat and you might as well put it in their house to give them that sensation of defiance.

Throne room: No explanations needed.

Catnip Fields: a room completely dedicated to a cat's need to get high, er I mean frisky. Their lives are stressful and even kitties need to cut loose!

Disco Ball: Cats are tacky, and they also like to chase lights. This could be fun for them as well as YouTube worthy for you.



These are just the basics. Your job is to build off of these. Just remember: do not make an ugly house. Cats are extremely sensitive to ugly things as well as their status amongst their peers. Unless you want a Night of the Vengeful Cats scenario, you should give them a pretty house with mosaics in stone of their pretty puss.



Coming soon: picture of cat house built by my dad. I will make sure that One-eyed Jack is inside of it.

Picture above is only a small sample from http://www.classypetshop.com/. Wow...

Al Rescate! Cartoons to the Rescue!

Al Rescate! Cartoons to the Rescue!

It doesn’t take an astrophysicist to figure out that times are crappy. Economy: sucks, Government: lame, Environment: hates us, Foreign Relations: still broken up, no rebound. That’s a huge whopping plate of scary for the next president to take over. With 30 days to go, I still am not so sure that either Obama or McCain knows how to solve this mess, but really- who does?! Hmmm….who does? (light bulb) You know what? Since real people have screwed things up so badly, maybe not real people can fix the world! Maybe our future can be saved by cartoons!!!!! Before you say, “What the @#*%?” hear me out. I have carefully selected qualified cartoon characters who I think could save our country and probably the world.

Secretary of the Interior: Captain Planet. Oh yeah, that’s right. He’s our hero. He’ll take pollution down to a zero. By monitoring our land and what we do with it, he can make changes towards successful alternative energy and great bounds in conservation (and not just because he’s super huge). Plus, he’s a super hero. He can just blow smog away with his powerful breath.

Secretary of Defense: Zok (from the Herculoids). For crying out loud, he can neutralize attacks with his nega-beams that shoot from his eyes! And he breathes fire!!!!

Secretary of Education: Professor Xavier. He runs a school…for mutants. If he can deal with their needs, then normal humans will be no problem. And he fully endorses after school programs, such as the X-men. Bonus points: He’s already a professor!!!

Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs: Duke (from G.I. Joe) He’s been in ‘Nam, and ran four Special Forces schools. I think it’s time for him to have a cushy job. How’s that PTSD going, Duke?

Secretary of Treasury: Scrooge McDuck. He’s a skinflint. Unlike the frivolous spenders that run our treasury today, Scrooge McDuck will keep a firm grip on the government’s wallet.

Secretary of Agriculture: Farmer Smurf. Self-explanatory. Okay, so he’s a Communist, but he can grow anything! And he knows what its like to protect his crops from gigantic rabbits and disgruntled wizards.

Secretary of Commerce: Alvin Seville. This chipmunk is a straight up business. Each episode he has some new business project under wraps. That’s an amazing feat for a woodland creature. Well, aside form the fact that he can talk…and sing.

Secretary of Labor: Fred Flintstone. The man knows how to keep a job. And he works under some dangerous conditions. He’s got OSHA in his sights, and AFLAC on the brain. Have no doubts, Fred’s working for you!

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Nanny (from Muppet babies). Aside from the fact that she cared for and fed 8 beings in her house, she was able to keep the 2 human babies (Scooter and Skeeter) and herself from contracting strange Pig, Frog, Blue Weirdo, Dog and Animal (whatever he is) diseases.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Foofur. Not only does he know how hard it is to keep foreclosure at bay, but he is also generous and kind to those who have no home.

Secretary of Transportation: Optimus Prime. A car with a thinking mind. I wouldn’t question it.

Secretary of Energy: Dexter. He has a weird accent, but that kid can build anything. Need a nuclear warhead built in the basement of a quiet suburban house? He’s the kid!

Secretary of Homeland Security: Voltron. With a watchful eye, Voltron always knows what’s going on. Mighty robot, gentle heart- will not kill own humans. Anyway, when you have to battle Prince Lotor every damn day- that’s called experience.

Secretary of State: Jem. She has traveled the world and won their hearts with her kick-ass girl band. Even when she visited China and was accused of a crime, she was able to gain their trust and not get executed by a firing squad. Jem understands foreign relations better than anyone- she’s been touring for like ever, and is able to adapt to different locales’ customs (Showtime, Synergy!). No pit bull here, just sweet, sweet Jem.

Attorney General: Bugs Bunny. Call in the big guns! Smooth operator Bugs Bunny. No one, let me say that again, no one can smooth talk better than Bugs. He is lawyer to the core!

Vice President: Mr T. Before you say, “Wait, he’s real!”, just remember that there was a cartoon of this guy, and the cartoon Mr. T is not a real person. Mr. T is full of wisdom. He is tough and knows what he’s talking about (please see moral lesson at end of each episode). He’s an all American; coached the U.S. Gymnastics team and solved mysteries like: Mystery of the Mind-Thieves, Mystery of the Panthermen, and UFO Mystery. He can definitely offer his insights to the President.

President: Velma Dinkley. She may be young and inexperienced, but Velma has some serious brain power. She uses her knowledge to guide her to solving mysteries, holds strategy meetings with Mystery, Inc., lets Fred think that his plan has worked, and loves big drooly dogs. Velma may lose her glasses, but she always comes through and saves the day. She is the unsung hero that has saved the world from over one hundred villains such as, the Owl Men, Creeper, the ghost of Benedict Arnold, and Charlie the Robot. She can lead us out of these dark times! Let's face it, most of today's villains are just as cartoonish as the villains in her world.

Will the real Maverick stand up?

"Morning, Scott."

"Morning, Wells."

"Ghost Rider, we have an unknown aircraft. Vector 090 for bogey."

"Who's up there?"

"Cougar, Merlin, Maverick and Goose."

"Great. Maverick and Goose."



I don't know about you, but I have heard the word maverick so many times in the past month that I think the word has lost all meaning. I'd like to go back to the root of the word before figuring this mess out. The definition of maverick is: 1: an unbranded range animal; especially a motherless calf 2: an independent individual who does not go along with a group or party. The etymology of the word stems from a man named Samuel A. Maverick. He was a cattleman in the 1800's who intentionally did not brand his calves. He was also a Democrat. Is McCain a maverick? We could argue that till the cows come home (bu-dum ching!), but I think Joe Biden (heart!) summed it up pretty spectacularly. Instead of arguing if McCain is a maverick, let's look at some famous and not so famous mavericks.

1. Maverick, (TV series, 1957-1960) starring James Garner as Bret Maverick, an adventurous gambler who punched the crap out of a lot of villains. He had 2 brothers who were named Beau and Bart.

2. Top Gun (1986), starring Tom Cruise as Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell. He was a bad boy who flew amazingly dangerous...and destroyed an expensive military aircraft...and had sex with his government-contract instructor.

3.Maverick (1994), starring Mel Gibson as Bret Maverick in a movie based on the TV show starring James Garner.

4."Maverick" Matt- one of the monikers of a professional wrestler named Matt Bentley, cousin to Shawn Michaels, superstar wrestler. Note: self-proclaimed maverick.

5.Maury Maverick, grandson to Samuel Maverick. A Texas Democrat lawyer, congressman, businessman, who coined the term "gobbledygook" in reference to bureaucrat language, inspired by the sounds of a turkey.

6. Maverick chocolate bar, by Nestle. Had raisins, toffee, bits of biscuit, topped with caramel and dipped in milk chocolate. Discontinued. Some say it was the best candy bar they ever had, some the worst. Up for debate.

7. Maverick, Madonna's record label. (sorry Madge, McCain no likey you, though you are probably a true maverick)

8. Ford Maverick, a compact car, very ugly, made from 1969-1977

9. Maverick, character in X-Men, former member of CIA's Team X, then became known later as Agent Zero who was supposed to kill Wolverine (don't read Hugh Jackman, don't read!)

10.The Dallas Mavericks, an NBA team whose uniforms are designed by Sean "P.Diddy" Combs. Mascot is Champ the Horse who, according to one fan's rant, repeatedly humiliated a fan by pretending to urinate on them at a game for wearing a Warriors shirt.

You know, if you're not a member of the Maverick family, I think that maybe calling oneself a maverick defeats the purpose. It's like those organized groups who call themselves anarchists. Just don't make much sense. It seems the word is a cute phrase now. It's a buzzword with very little meaning anymore. Hopefully after Nov. 4th, the word will be retired from the lips of the media and put to good use at a later time, like say-talking about Samuel Maverick's family.

What's in a name?

Movies, books, tv shows, songs...the name is crucial in telling the audience what the mood of the movie is and what it's about. Look at Snakes on a Plane. Enough said. So that got me thinking. He-man is a great example of how important names can be.


Skeletor. Rahhhhhhh! Scary name! Run, hide, it's goddamn Skeletor!!! He's got a lame voice and is strangely muscular for a bag of bones, but his name means business. You know he's going to wreck some sh*t. I can only imagine the process for the writers to come up with this heinous villain's name, but I'm sure it went a little like this:

"Hmmm...so, we've got this evil guy who's got a skull head."


"How about Evil Skully?"


"No, how about Skeleton?"


"Ummm...too obvious. How would it sound for He-man to say 'I will defeat you, Skeleton!' It's just gay."


"Fine, how about something macho like Skullinator?"


"uh no. Then we'd have to give him a gun and he could just shoot He-man."


"Wait!! Ive got it. How about we take Skeleton and Skullinator and combine them?"


"Skulliton?"


"No you fool!" long dramatic pause, "Skeletor!!!!" Thunder, lightning, evil laughter in the distance.



I'd have to say that most characters on He-man have self-explanatory names: He-man, Battlecat, Man-E-Faces, etc. Who needs convoluted names when you're a ten-year-old viewer...or thirty.

The Smurfs are an interesting case in point. While the Smurfs themselves have names indicative of a communist society (Papa Smurf, Smurfette, Painter Smurf, etc.), Gargamel got the shaft. What the hell does Gargamel mean? I know it was supposedly a name taken from a French series of novels called Gargantua and Pantagruel from the 16th century. Supposedly a female name, Gargamelle, who was a giant as well as Gargantua's mother. Is this true? According to Google Books it seems so. Is that where the Smurf creator, Peyo, got the name? Maybe. Regardless, it sounds more like the noise one would make while hocking up some phlegm. It sounds vile and ugly and you know that this is a character that is more disgusting than crap. Sure, we can tell that Gargamel is a villainous name, but it commands no authority. Not like Skeletor. Come on, you hear Skeletor and you know he sits in a throne and has henchmen. Gargamel, not so much. And I'm sure that Gargamel's grody sounding name had a lasting psychological effect on him. There is speculation that a name can drastically effect how one might feel about themselves or feel that other's perceive them. Reading an online article from Psychology Today, I found an interesting case:

Norma Sofia Marsano, had always been a Norma but decided to go by her middle
name when she left Kentucky to attend college in Michigan. "I felt that Norma
held me back. Sofia sounds fun and cute, whereas Norma sounds like an
ugly-girl's name. I liked myself more when I started going by Sofia."

Let's face it, Gargamel's life sucked. He had bad teeth, ripped-up raggedy clothes, a moldy castle, a cat that didn't really like him, an assistant that screwed everything up, and was always being beat up by Big Mouth. I have no doubt that his low self-esteem and negative disposition all stemmed from a lousy name. Would he have gone on his evil quest to eat smurfs or try to turn them into gold, if he was named Jerry? Debatable. Hat's off to you Gargamel, for your lousy name and horrible demeanor. I don't blame you.

At least his cat's name Azrael means something cool: archangel of death.

Works Cited:
Flora, Carlin. "Hello, My Name is Unique." Psychology Today Magazine Mar/Apr 2004.
<http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=20040302-000002&page=1>

Welcome to Nerrrd Girl!

Welcome to the Nerrrd Girl Blog: a tiny corner of the Internet where nerrrd girls can gather and embrace their nerdiness. If you're wondering what a nerrrd girl is, I suppose I should give some kind of definition. Nerrd girls are ladies who are not ashamed of being called a nerd for being slightly bookish, or admiring the dorkier things in life. Good example: I like to read thick dusty books, commentate while watching Japanese cinema, obsess over comic books, build crafts and adore SCIENCE. Wow, that's pretty nerdy. But what makes me nerrrdy is that I don't feel like I should apologize for it. So, if you feel the same way about your nerdiness, then this is the place for you!! Yay! Topics discussed here will range from the scientific to the strange and sometimes the science of the strange. I welcome you all and please keep checking in for new posts. If you are a nerrrdy girl who has a website promoting yourself or your nerdy business, I would love to create a links list of nerrrdy girls.

Nugget of the day: No living creature needs 100 legs! Ick.