Dear Ms. Susan Kaufman,
I have always been a fan of People Style Watch, as it provides a great escape at the end of the day and keeps me abreast on the latest fashion and makeup. I'm sorry to say, though, that the latest issue, September 2011, disappointed me in a way that I did not expect. The "What's In, What's Out" section included something rather disturbing that I do think deserves some serious thought for the future. In the "Out" section, Teacup dogs were declared as "out", and as Mandy Harris of Petsugar.com said, they "have had their moment." She continues to name specific breeds as to what is "in". I can understand considering foods, clothes, makeup, etc. as objects we weigh as "in" or "out", but to consider a living being as "out" is a sad and disheartening thought, humans included. This kind of mentality perpetuates animal cruelty, and even worse, the mass production of puppies in puppy mills, as entrepreneurs/breeders try to make as much money as possible, while neglecting care of living creatures, in order to satisfy the latest trend.
As a fan of your magazine, I understand that some things in the "In/Out" section are meant to be fun, but I feel the inclusion of animals sends such a horrible message. I am sure this was not your intention, but unfortunately, the subconscious message sent is that an animal is an object of trendiness, equivalent to a shoe or a handbag.
About Me
- Melissa Baughman
- I am a writer and the Associate Producing Director and Resident Director for Landless Theatre Company in Washington, DC.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Move Over Bacon, Here Comes Sizzlelean!
Okay, so maybe I'm not Sizzlelean yet, but I have lost weight! I now weigh in at 140, which is not my target weight, but I am just glad that through hard work, I've shaved off nearly ten pounds.
Over the past year, I've had to overcome several personal obstacles, all created by my brain, of course, but sometimes those are the hardest obstacles to get past. My depression is starting to get under control, thanks to waking up butt-early and running on my neglected treadmill, and lifting weights. I can't tell you how much I missed lifting weights. When I was bodybuilding, it was my Zen time. Now when I pick up those weights, I can feel it all coming back. For me, it's being in control of my body. Lord knows you can't control many things in life, but when you can actually control yourself, that is truly empowering and uplifting. I don't feel so hopeless. It also helps me think through my problems and release my aggression. I really needed to channel my stress. Aside from my stress contributing to my weight gain, I even started to lose my hair. I can't tell you how horrifying that is for a lady to go through. I was devastated. The doctor told me it was stress and prescribed me this expensive Chinese shampoo, that even he said it could be a placebo. (thank you modern medicine...) But lifting weights, really helps me overcome that stress. Another Zen routine I have found is taking a weekly Walkabout through my town. I just walk for hours and look at nature, notice things that I've looked past for years, run into friends randomly...it's always an adventure, and so good for the soul.
One of the most helpful things: I keep a food diary on my iPhone, and that channels my OCD of making lists...never hurts to use your quirks to your advantage! Seeing what I put in my body is eyeopening. Some days, I was like 'Really? That itty bitty serving of candy is greater in calories than my breakfast?' That'll make you put the Snickers down real fast.
Ultimately, I think what makes me happiest is that my daughter sees me working out and it inspires her to be healthy. She's almost five, so planting that seed early can't hurt. My parents were always into fitness, and still are, and I grew up thinking it was normal, what I was supposed to do. Thanks to derailment of my own personal demons, I chucked aside that vital part of myself in favor of wallowing in my depression and succumbing to helplessness. Food is good, and the junkier the more it makes us feel temporarily satisfied. It's that temporary satisfaction that leads to our addictions. Now, I just try to indulge only once in a while, because really, I have a serious sweet tooth. But instead of the full Snickers bar, I find smaller things to satisfy that sweet tooth.
Still on the path, but I think this time, I won't get derailed so easily. I DO NOT want to slide back into the dark depression that sabotages my mind and body. Sorry, Snickers, you are so not worth it!
Over the past year, I've had to overcome several personal obstacles, all created by my brain, of course, but sometimes those are the hardest obstacles to get past. My depression is starting to get under control, thanks to waking up butt-early and running on my neglected treadmill, and lifting weights. I can't tell you how much I missed lifting weights. When I was bodybuilding, it was my Zen time. Now when I pick up those weights, I can feel it all coming back. For me, it's being in control of my body. Lord knows you can't control many things in life, but when you can actually control yourself, that is truly empowering and uplifting. I don't feel so hopeless. It also helps me think through my problems and release my aggression. I really needed to channel my stress. Aside from my stress contributing to my weight gain, I even started to lose my hair. I can't tell you how horrifying that is for a lady to go through. I was devastated. The doctor told me it was stress and prescribed me this expensive Chinese shampoo, that even he said it could be a placebo. (thank you modern medicine...) But lifting weights, really helps me overcome that stress. Another Zen routine I have found is taking a weekly Walkabout through my town. I just walk for hours and look at nature, notice things that I've looked past for years, run into friends randomly...it's always an adventure, and so good for the soul.
One of the most helpful things: I keep a food diary on my iPhone, and that channels my OCD of making lists...never hurts to use your quirks to your advantage! Seeing what I put in my body is eyeopening. Some days, I was like 'Really? That itty bitty serving of candy is greater in calories than my breakfast?' That'll make you put the Snickers down real fast.
Ultimately, I think what makes me happiest is that my daughter sees me working out and it inspires her to be healthy. She's almost five, so planting that seed early can't hurt. My parents were always into fitness, and still are, and I grew up thinking it was normal, what I was supposed to do. Thanks to derailment of my own personal demons, I chucked aside that vital part of myself in favor of wallowing in my depression and succumbing to helplessness. Food is good, and the junkier the more it makes us feel temporarily satisfied. It's that temporary satisfaction that leads to our addictions. Now, I just try to indulge only once in a while, because really, I have a serious sweet tooth. But instead of the full Snickers bar, I find smaller things to satisfy that sweet tooth.
Still on the path, but I think this time, I won't get derailed so easily. I DO NOT want to slide back into the dark depression that sabotages my mind and body. Sorry, Snickers, you are so not worth it!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
"What Do You Think? I'm a Chubby Girl With a Sweet Tooth"
That is what I said to my husband when he asked me if I wanted the rest of his ginormous slice of key lime pie from Outback Steakhouse. And it is true. We laughed about it, but it was the first time that I admitted it. That admission rang in my head for weeks. Sure, I put on pounds because I had a baby...FOUR YEARS AGO! Since then I have been tired, cranky, and depressed; all of which has been reflected in my eating patterns. I never engaged in mood eating until I had a baby. I don't know why, but that's how it went for me. Now, rewind five years ago. Five years ago, I was a runner, an amateur bodybuilder, and super-crazy health food consumer. So, how is it that five years later I am sitting here eating Ranch Doritos, take-out Chinese food and pizza with sausage? Lactose Intolerant Girl is eating cheese, ice cream, cheesecake and suffering each time because I feel emotionally whole when I eat those foods. This has bad news written all over it. I preach about eating healthy and making sure that kids eat healthy, but I am one of the offenders. Like any red-blooded American, I live in defensive denial and make excuses for not giving a damn about personal responsibility. I think I was fine with all of this until I broke my knee cap. That's when my weight and health came crashing down on me. I had a steel-rod brace on my left leg, a pair of crutches and the worst snow storms to hit the East Coast in nearly one hundred years. What did I do for six weeks? Sat on my ass, popped painkillers and ate (sometimes...it's hard to eat when you have to hobble on crutches through your small apartment just to get to the kitchen). I actually lost weight, along with a ton of muscle over those six weeks. Off came the brace and Physical Therapy started. I found that I enjoyed the torture sessions because they forced me to do exercises that I did when I was body building. It stirred those urges in me and I hungered to pick up my weights again. Unfortunately, depression is a bitch and that has been my worst opponent. My depression is pretty frickin' scary, to the point where I can't do anything but sit and stare at the wall. My weights sit in my living room, waiting to be lifted, but I stare right past them. Throw in a knee that has yet to be pain-free and you've got a seemingly bleak situation. Okay, so I was resigned to all of this. That's what everyone was telling me anyway: to resign myself to pain and the weight.
So, where does this all bring me? To my doctor's office. For my yearly. I know the rigmarole: scale, blood pressure check, pee in a cup. I had a healthy blood pressure reading, and my pee was fine. It was the scale that killed me. I had gained weight. I'm 5'3" and 147 lbs. Am I obese? Nope. Am I happy? Nope. Weight is a number, and is relative to the composition of your body. When I was body building I weighed 132 lbs. but I was rock-hard, all muscle. So, weight is relative, but I can vouch that my 147 lbs. is NOT muscle. After leaving the doctor's office, I told myself right then and there that I have to do something. I force my daughter to eat healthy, so how does it look when her mother doesn't do the same? How can I expect her to make good food choices later in life if I don't? The time has come, my friends! I am using this blog to document my quest to get back to healthy living and eating. I harbor no delusions of skinny, only hopes of feeling healthy and getting some muscle back. So, follow along and if you're going through the same thing, please chime in. The only way to succeed is with support!
So, where does this all bring me? To my doctor's office. For my yearly. I know the rigmarole: scale, blood pressure check, pee in a cup. I had a healthy blood pressure reading, and my pee was fine. It was the scale that killed me. I had gained weight. I'm 5'3" and 147 lbs. Am I obese? Nope. Am I happy? Nope. Weight is a number, and is relative to the composition of your body. When I was body building I weighed 132 lbs. but I was rock-hard, all muscle. So, weight is relative, but I can vouch that my 147 lbs. is NOT muscle. After leaving the doctor's office, I told myself right then and there that I have to do something. I force my daughter to eat healthy, so how does it look when her mother doesn't do the same? How can I expect her to make good food choices later in life if I don't? The time has come, my friends! I am using this blog to document my quest to get back to healthy living and eating. I harbor no delusions of skinny, only hopes of feeling healthy and getting some muscle back. So, follow along and if you're going through the same thing, please chime in. The only way to succeed is with support!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
"Father Christmas, give me your money!"
For the past six years I have not really shopped for Christmas. I bake. That's what I do, and people do enjoy it. I mean, who has any room for any more junk? Besides, I can't afford gifts, so that's just going to have to do. My Christmas stress ended six years ago when I hit rock bottom and didn't have a dime to my name. So while everyone else is ready to brawl in the middle of the mall, I breeze right on by and casually pick out a Christmas card. It's pretty liberating. My daughter is now old enough to get excited about Christmas, which is great...but it's also scary. My husband and I did buy her a few gifts, but we kept it simple and made sure they would be toys she would appreciate for longer than five minutes after unwrapping. Children are the easiest source of prey for corporations at this time of year. I can't even count on my fingers and toes how many commercials Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network show a day that are toys and electronics. It freaked me out the first time she really saw those commercials because suddenly it was "I want this!" or "I need this!" I keep telling her that the only things she needs are water, air and food. She obviously doesn't get my humor at Christmas, but she's just going to have to. I just hope that I can teach her that Christmas doesn't have to be $$. It's hard when this is being shoved down their throats at such a young age. Anyway, that got me thinking about just how much this country spends on Christmas. There is plenty of argument about Christmas' cost. Some say it's too much and others say it boosts the economy and provides jobs. Let's think in numbers. Christmas expenditures are generally $1000 dollars per family, though reported slightly less this year. Overall, America spends at a minimum of 400 billion dollars at Christmas. I say minimum because that's a number thrown around in 2006. It's 2009 and while things are shaky, they're still not slowing down that much. Think about all that can be done with $400 Billion or that cost $400 Billion...
Medicare's annual spending
Annual Imported Oil cost
Freddie and Fannie bailout
Provide clean water to the world
convert 6000 urban areas' traditional electricity to solar powered energy (http://blogs.zdnet.com/green/?p=6216)
Fix the US's sewer infrastructure (http://geospatial.blogs.com/geospatial/2009/11/sewer-infrastructure-requires-400-billion.html)
Provide healthcare for everyone in the US (http://sanders.senate.gov/newsroom/news/?id=546faa1e-ee8f-48a8-8f2b-64b7ba96dd2e)
Cover Social Security's annual budget
Walmart's full-year global sales (http://www.businesspundit.com/wal-mart-posts-more-than-400-billion-in-sales/)
Buy several small islands
Create a super-NASA program
House all 664,000 homeless Americans
Fund half of the Iraq war
Double annual spending on Cancer Research
This is only a small list of things you can do with specifically $400 Billion. Think about all the things we can do with less. I hope this is as eye-opening for you as it is for me. It makes you rethink the way we interact with the world financially and morally. There are so many things we could change if we just stopped spending on unnecessary possessions. All the organizations and charities that we donate a $1, $5 here and there for...we could actually do way more and make real changes. So much of the misery in the world could be eased, if we only could stop being manipulated by corporations. I know it's not that easy, but one can dream. You know all that debt that we're all in? We probably wouldn't be in all this debt if we didn't put such focus on material objects. So, rethink your New Year's Resolution this year. Instead of making the empty promise that you'll shed those last five pounds, challenge yourself and think of others. You may find it much more rewarding!
Medicare's annual spending
Annual Imported Oil cost
Freddie and Fannie bailout
Provide clean water to the world
convert 6000 urban areas' traditional electricity to solar powered energy (http://blogs.zdnet.com/green/?p=6216)
Fix the US's sewer infrastructure (http://geospatial.blogs.com/geospatial/2009/11/sewer-infrastructure-requires-400-billion.html)
Provide healthcare for everyone in the US (http://sanders.senate.gov/newsroom/news/?id=546faa1e-ee8f-48a8-8f2b-64b7ba96dd2e)
Cover Social Security's annual budget
Walmart's full-year global sales (http://www.businesspundit.com/wal-mart-posts-more-than-400-billion-in-sales/)
Buy several small islands
Create a super-NASA program
House all 664,000 homeless Americans
Fund half of the Iraq war
Double annual spending on Cancer Research
This is only a small list of things you can do with specifically $400 Billion. Think about all the things we can do with less. I hope this is as eye-opening for you as it is for me. It makes you rethink the way we interact with the world financially and morally. There are so many things we could change if we just stopped spending on unnecessary possessions. All the organizations and charities that we donate a $1, $5 here and there for...we could actually do way more and make real changes. So much of the misery in the world could be eased, if we only could stop being manipulated by corporations. I know it's not that easy, but one can dream. You know all that debt that we're all in? We probably wouldn't be in all this debt if we didn't put such focus on material objects. So, rethink your New Year's Resolution this year. Instead of making the empty promise that you'll shed those last five pounds, challenge yourself and think of others. You may find it much more rewarding!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
New York!
Well, I am back from New Rock City, after making my NY directorial debut, and I am pooped! It was the best trip ever!!!! I got to see Diamond Dead performed in New York, the mecca of theatre! I could go on for several blogs about how amazing Diamond Dead in NY was, and how fun it was being a part of the NY theatre experience, but I think I will take this time to go over the highlights of the wonderful New Yorkers that I met and some funny/weird situations that make me chuckle still.
The Uber-angry, half-naked, ripped dude threatening people as we waited for the D-train.
The Homeless beggar who threatened a man with, "I'll get you tomorrow" after the man smacked his begging cup with a rolled up paper.
Coney Island. The woman who managed to catch two seagulls on her fishing line. While a few people called out, "pull it in", one man screamed, "eat it!". The bird, meanwhile, was bobbing on the water, with wing in the air, attached to her line. The bird was reeled in, and a man sat on the bird, untangled it, and bird flew away. Not sure of the bird's fate. He flew closer to shore, landed in the water and sat there, floating for a while. I never saw him fly away, so maybe he sank to a watery grave. BTW, that was the biggest thing i saw anyone catch that day.
The "Shoot the Freak" barker at Coney Island. He was hilarious and nearly coaxed me to spend money to shoot a live human being with paintballs. I say nearly because my husband and I were far more tempted by fruity smoothies and funnel cake.
The old woman in a fringey Porn Rock shirt. They were another show at Fringe and had a huge following. Apparently someone called out to her as "mom" so I'm assuming she's related to a cast or crew member. Regardless, she was rockin' and apparently very supportive. Old doesn't mean dead!!!
NYPenn Station. Crazy place in general, but one night an unkempt old woman was shuffling around in rose colored underwear and a brown cardigan. That alone struck me as odd, but when she swatted at me with her plastic bag and screamed "get away from me, get out of here" I knew she was special. It ticked me off at the time, but now I can't help but feel bad that she obviously had no family or friends who cared enough about her to take care of her. Still, depressing as it sounds, I have to chuckle at the randomness in retrospect.
The Poet formerly known as "The Homeless Poet". He lives in a men's shelter now, so the homeless status is defunct. But he came up to me and tried to sell me a copy of his poetry for $2. I didn't have any and I am a bit leery of handing out my cashola to strangers. I told him sorry and then he said to me, "I do take numbers". I told him that was good and then he said, "they call me butter, cuz I'm on a roll." I about died. He chatted with me for a little bit and then wished me well. He was very nice and charming, and not high. It was one of those moments when you know that someone is really just a decent human being. I wish I had two bucks for him.
The salty conductor on the NJTransit who was ready to throw some guy off the train for not having a ticket. Made me and my husband think back to Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail. "he didn't have a ticket!"
The night we were on a stoop chatting with some friends and my husband warned one of them that the largest cockroach on Earth was behind her. That was pretty normal for DC or NY, but it was the nearby waif-like girl who said "I've never seen a cockroach before. I want to see it." My husband showed it to her as I told her that when you grow up with roaches you don't really want to visit them. She then proceeded to say, "Oh, wow, they're cute." No lie. Pretty funny.
Bouncing on the bed in my hotel room. Nothing is more fun than jumping on a bed that is not your own!
The stray cat, very clean- mind you, who sat on the steps of an open cellar of a store in Chinatown. I'm sure he was saying, "Shhhh...don't tell anyone I'm here." He was my favorite.
My friends getting engaged at the end of Diamond Dead. How sweet and cool! It was tear-jerking, even for this hard-heart ;p
I can see why NY inspires so many people to write or create art. It is a unique place that makes even the small, mundane things that occur there seem extraordinary. Maybe I'll be moving to NY soon, maybe not. Who knows? All I know is that I walked away with amazing memories and experiences. I was so glad that I shared them with my husband. It made the trip perfect.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
BOO!
I think just about everyone enjoys a good ghost story. It's how we connect, create new folktales, share history. It doesn't even matter if you believe in it or not. The truth is that a small part inside of us hopes it is real. We hope that the ghosts and monsters that we talk about are real. Without them,where is the mystery in life?
I can not resist a good ghostly tale. In fact, I am obsessed. Any ghost show on TV, you know where to find me. Any compendium of true ghost stories, it'll be in my hands. I can't pass by a cemetery without imagining some lonesome spirit wandering amongst the tombstones. If someone begins to tell a tale, I will stop everything and listen with rapt attention. I don't even know when this obsession began. I've always been into creepy things, so maybe I was born this way. I never really thought twice about it, though. It's simply who I am. Recently, though, I have been wondering why I am so hooked on haunts. What is it about them that pulls me in? I'm not alone either. I know plenty of other folks like me who are addicted to ghosts too. My husband thinks I am a bit obsessed and I admit that I do make him suffer while I watch ghost-hunting shows, that are basically people walking in the dark and filming creepy locations. Still, I never get bored. I just don't understand it, and I'm not sure I ever will. It's safe to say that humans are afraid of death, so why are we so fascinated with everything that surrounds it? I can't even chalk it up to hopes of an afterlife. It is way beyond that. When you listen to people's experiences and stories, it is quite telling of who they are and how they live in this world. I think that's why I like to listen to people, to hear their thoughts on ghosts and their relationship with them. I've always wanted to write a good ghost tale, but I find that nothing I can imagine is ever as scary as what actually happens to people. Maybe one day I'll figure it out...
So, putting aside the debate of "are ghosts real"(really, if you believe in something, doesn't that make it real to you anyway?), I've made a list of what I consider the best ghost "stuff" out there to whet your appetite. That is, if you aren't too chicken!
Best Ghost Books:
Fiction- The Haunting of Hill House- Shirley Jackson
Hell House-Richard Matheson
Ghost Story- Peter Straub
Non-Fiction- Haunted America- Michael Norman, Beth Scott
Ghosts- Hans Holzer
Possessed Possessions (any of the series)- Ed Okonowicz
Best Ghost Movies:
Changeling (not the Angelina Jolie movie, folks!)
Ammityville Horror
The Haunting (with Claire Bloom)
Burnt Offerings
The Legend of Hell House
Best Ghost Shows:
Ghost Hunters- Syfy (let's not get started about the sci-fi name change)
Ghost Adventures- Travel Channel
Haunted History- History Channel
Ghostly Encounters- Biography Channel
I would love for anyone to add to this list. I crave this stuff, so feed my addiction!!!!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Interview With A Nerd
Well, it's been a while! An economic collapse really takes a drain on your schedule! As well as directing a bunch of kids in The Wizard of Oz. Anyway, lately people have been reflecting on great interviews of our time: Frost/Nixon, Katie Couric/Sarah Palin, The View/Blagojevich and "the boy"/Louis the Vampire. An interview is the public's chance to see someone air their dirty laundry and suffer from humiliation. Admit it, it's fun to watch people squirm. So as not to be all judgy, I decided to subject myself to the humiliation of opening myself to highly personal questions, with a great chance of looking like I'm dumb. I asked several of my colleagues to grill me, and they jumped right on the opportunity like sharks on chum. No more waiting!!! Drumroll...
Jen T: If you were trapped in a burning building and had your choice of saving only one thing, would it be: the jar of pickles, the stack of comic books (none of which you have opened since you were five), the change between the couch cushions, keys to something you're not too sure of, or a package of guitar strings?
A FIRE?!!! I Thought I replaced the batteries in the detectors! My dreams of being a Fire Marshall are crushed! And I took that class and everything… Okay, so I’m assuming that my husband, my cat and my child are safe…so I’ll have to go with the jar of pickles. Remember the homeless guy sketches on In Living Color? I could make a crap-load of money doing that impersonation!!! $$$$$$
Jason W:
Define nerd-ism and what makes you think that you belong in such an elite group.
Nerd-ism: embracing one’s nerdiness; the practice of analyzing details of the mundane, or topics that the general population do not care about. There is an air of elitism to being part of the nerd bunch, but I find that most nerds usually don’t realize that they are part of the group anyway.
Why don't more nerd-dudes groom themselves?
No time…must program….
When did you first realize that you were a nerd?
When people in school shouted “Nerd!” as I walked by.
Have you had nerd tendencies all your life?
Yes. Wait…I did have killer tendencies for a while there too, but who’s counting?
How many nerds does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
One to lick the Tootsie Roll Pop; one to monitor and take down data; two nerds to build a time machine and figure out how to enlarge a wormhole and keep it open, then out of those two nerds, one mans ground control while the other uses the time machine to travel through the wormhole to the exact moment in the future when the first nerd gets to the center of the Tootsie Roll Pop. So, 4 total. Hey, you never said, “how many licks does it take?”
Josh S: With all the horrors of the modern world, why do you choose to focus your attention on nerdy things, rather than important ones?
Let me tell you, when an asteroid is crashing towards Earth and the only person who can help you is the cooped up Nerd who owns all the action figures from Buffy, but also has been spending his loveless nights creating a machine that could deflect the asteroid off course, you’ll see that the nerdy topics ARE the important ones. P.S. Obama is a nerd. WE WON!!!!
Ally J: Who would you screw/marry/kill out of these choices and why? Elmo, Ernie and Cookie Monster.
Elmo – Kill. I don’t think I really need to explain why.
Ernie- screw? Can you really screw a puppet? They’re kind of soft. Anyway, I chose screw for this because he’s the only human on the list and I ain’t into bestiality.
Cookie Monster- Marry. He seems to be compatible with me. We both like food and we both regularly use bad grammar. Me love Cookies and me no like Elmo!
Amanda W: It's Zombie Time! You crash-land on a seemingly normal planet (yes we're talking commuting planet space travel here) You and your crew must travel to the nearest town to get new parts for your ship. When you get to town you find there was government experimenting going on and shocking but true the testing has gone awry and the whole population has been turned into zombies. Good news is you can raid the local mechanics for free parts to fix your ship. Bad news, you have to get through the town of zombies to get to the chop shop and then again to get back to your ship, fix it and get off this hellhole! Pick your crackpot crew! They can be from literature or movies. You need 4 crew members plus yourself and an explanation why you chose them.
Hmmm….
1. McGyver…he can fix anything. It also helps to have a fellow nerd as an ally, in case of a mutiny situation. (I’ve watched Survivor, I know these things)
2. Elvis- have you seen his kung fu moves? I have no doubt that Elvis could kick the ass of any zombie alien…while singing!
3. Elvira- Every team needs a wise-cracking chick on board. Plus, she’s seen enough zombie moves that she probably could defeat them with her bazookas. Also, being half naked distracts any male: human or zombie alien.
4. Alf- Okay, so his track record for fixing a spaceship sucks. It took him how many seasons to fix it? But we’re missing two key factors here: he’s an alien who does not eat humans, and he did eventually fix his ship. I think those are reasons enough to have him on the team.
Jen S:
If you had to choose between eating a stanky homeless sock and pushing a very old women (whom you do not currently know) into traffic, which would you choose?
Well, homeless socks have a lot of germs and calories. That would really leave me only one choice wouldn’t it? A girl’s got to watch her figure.
Which lunch meat do you like best?
Honey smoked Ham. Go meat!
What is your bra size?
Somewhere between absolute low self-esteem and praying for a boob lift.
If you could change the ending of any story ever told, which would it be and what would you change it to?
I would have to change the ending of the bible. What a downer! I just don’t see how an apocalypse is the way to end a story. It doesn’t really inspire me to do good. It just makes me think, “Wow, I’m screwed either way.”
The only proper way to end the bible is for Jesus to come back, go on a stadium world tour with Cher, spreading his words of goodwill, and then everyone evaporates, their spirits go to heaven (see clause below). See, in my version heaven is full of cool stuff like the Wii and chocolate. And for some of us, Doritos.
Clause: Basically everyone goes to heaven UNLESS they have murdered or raped someone, or did not go to see Jesus because he was touring with Cher. You might not like her, but you should really trust Jesus’ pick. He is the son of God, you know.
If a boy told you his name was Pinocchio, and while telling you that his nose began to grow, would this be a paradox? Explain your reasoning.
Naturally, it would be considered a paradox, UNLESS… His name was not Pinocchio and the Blue Fairy had actually answered more than one lonely toy maker’s wish. Then his name could very well be Larry and his nose is growing because he is lying. But…if his name is Pinocchio then we have a case of the loophole theory. Okay, so if Pinocchio has multiple personalities and the one personality is asked what his name is. He does not say his name, but says Pinocchio. Therefore he is technically lying, because he does not associate himself with that name. Are you really lying if you lie about something you think is a lie, but is really not a lie?
Or…he’s just happy to see me!
Jen T: If you were trapped in a burning building and had your choice of saving only one thing, would it be: the jar of pickles, the stack of comic books (none of which you have opened since you were five), the change between the couch cushions, keys to something you're not too sure of, or a package of guitar strings?
A FIRE?!!! I Thought I replaced the batteries in the detectors! My dreams of being a Fire Marshall are crushed! And I took that class and everything… Okay, so I’m assuming that my husband, my cat and my child are safe…so I’ll have to go with the jar of pickles. Remember the homeless guy sketches on In Living Color? I could make a crap-load of money doing that impersonation!!! $$$$$$
Jason W:
Define nerd-ism and what makes you think that you belong in such an elite group.
Nerd-ism: embracing one’s nerdiness; the practice of analyzing details of the mundane, or topics that the general population do not care about. There is an air of elitism to being part of the nerd bunch, but I find that most nerds usually don’t realize that they are part of the group anyway.
Why don't more nerd-dudes groom themselves?
No time…must program….
When did you first realize that you were a nerd?
When people in school shouted “Nerd!” as I walked by.
Have you had nerd tendencies all your life?
Yes. Wait…I did have killer tendencies for a while there too, but who’s counting?
How many nerds does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
One to lick the Tootsie Roll Pop; one to monitor and take down data; two nerds to build a time machine and figure out how to enlarge a wormhole and keep it open, then out of those two nerds, one mans ground control while the other uses the time machine to travel through the wormhole to the exact moment in the future when the first nerd gets to the center of the Tootsie Roll Pop. So, 4 total. Hey, you never said, “how many licks does it take?”
Josh S: With all the horrors of the modern world, why do you choose to focus your attention on nerdy things, rather than important ones?
Let me tell you, when an asteroid is crashing towards Earth and the only person who can help you is the cooped up Nerd who owns all the action figures from Buffy, but also has been spending his loveless nights creating a machine that could deflect the asteroid off course, you’ll see that the nerdy topics ARE the important ones. P.S. Obama is a nerd. WE WON!!!!
Ally J: Who would you screw/marry/kill out of these choices and why? Elmo, Ernie and Cookie Monster.
Elmo – Kill. I don’t think I really need to explain why.
Ernie- screw? Can you really screw a puppet? They’re kind of soft. Anyway, I chose screw for this because he’s the only human on the list and I ain’t into bestiality.
Cookie Monster- Marry. He seems to be compatible with me. We both like food and we both regularly use bad grammar. Me love Cookies and me no like Elmo!
Amanda W: It's Zombie Time! You crash-land on a seemingly normal planet (yes we're talking commuting planet space travel here) You and your crew must travel to the nearest town to get new parts for your ship. When you get to town you find there was government experimenting going on and shocking but true the testing has gone awry and the whole population has been turned into zombies. Good news is you can raid the local mechanics for free parts to fix your ship. Bad news, you have to get through the town of zombies to get to the chop shop and then again to get back to your ship, fix it and get off this hellhole! Pick your crackpot crew! They can be from literature or movies. You need 4 crew members plus yourself and an explanation why you chose them.
Hmmm….
1. McGyver…he can fix anything. It also helps to have a fellow nerd as an ally, in case of a mutiny situation. (I’ve watched Survivor, I know these things)
2. Elvis- have you seen his kung fu moves? I have no doubt that Elvis could kick the ass of any zombie alien…while singing!
3. Elvira- Every team needs a wise-cracking chick on board. Plus, she’s seen enough zombie moves that she probably could defeat them with her bazookas. Also, being half naked distracts any male: human or zombie alien.
4. Alf- Okay, so his track record for fixing a spaceship sucks. It took him how many seasons to fix it? But we’re missing two key factors here: he’s an alien who does not eat humans, and he did eventually fix his ship. I think those are reasons enough to have him on the team.
Jen S:
If you had to choose between eating a stanky homeless sock and pushing a very old women (whom you do not currently know) into traffic, which would you choose?
Well, homeless socks have a lot of germs and calories. That would really leave me only one choice wouldn’t it? A girl’s got to watch her figure.
Which lunch meat do you like best?
Honey smoked Ham. Go meat!
What is your bra size?
Somewhere between absolute low self-esteem and praying for a boob lift.
If you could change the ending of any story ever told, which would it be and what would you change it to?
I would have to change the ending of the bible. What a downer! I just don’t see how an apocalypse is the way to end a story. It doesn’t really inspire me to do good. It just makes me think, “Wow, I’m screwed either way.”
The only proper way to end the bible is for Jesus to come back, go on a stadium world tour with Cher, spreading his words of goodwill, and then everyone evaporates, their spirits go to heaven (see clause below). See, in my version heaven is full of cool stuff like the Wii and chocolate. And for some of us, Doritos.
Clause: Basically everyone goes to heaven UNLESS they have murdered or raped someone, or did not go to see Jesus because he was touring with Cher. You might not like her, but you should really trust Jesus’ pick. He is the son of God, you know.
If a boy told you his name was Pinocchio, and while telling you that his nose began to grow, would this be a paradox? Explain your reasoning.
Naturally, it would be considered a paradox, UNLESS… His name was not Pinocchio and the Blue Fairy had actually answered more than one lonely toy maker’s wish. Then his name could very well be Larry and his nose is growing because he is lying. But…if his name is Pinocchio then we have a case of the loophole theory. Okay, so if Pinocchio has multiple personalities and the one personality is asked what his name is. He does not say his name, but says Pinocchio. Therefore he is technically lying, because he does not associate himself with that name. Are you really lying if you lie about something you think is a lie, but is really not a lie?
Or…he’s just happy to see me!
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