2012 Apocalypse Exam

In light of the impending doom we will face on December 21st 2012, I thought that maybe we should all prepare the best way we can: a multiple choice exam. (Note: Contacting John Cusack in any way will result in a failing grade.)

1. One December 20th, you will be:
a. partying.
b. crying.
c. crapping yourself.
d. in disbelief, and obviously going to die.

2. The morning of December 21st. As the earth quakes and rips open, you have only time to grab one item that is beside you. Out of the options, which one would you pick? Please show your work in the margins.
a. a can of Tuna, which may be expired.
b. a ball of rubber bands.
c. an embarrassing knit hat that your crazy Great-Aunt knitted for you.
d. a half-empty bottle of sugar cookie scented hand lotion.

3. In the likelihood of zombies emerging from the graves during this apocalypse, you would:
a. flee to the mountains and live in a cave.
b. stay and offer your home as sanctuary to your family.
c. stay and invite all of your living friends over--the more the merrier!
d. say, "screw everyone, you all are zombie bait and will only slow me down", and board yourself into your house.

4. It's December 22nd, the day after. There is a looting spree. Armed only with a butter knife, you decide to loot:
a. A clothing consignment store loaded with angry grannies trying to grab Liz Claiborne sweaters.
b. 7-11, where a scary-looking group of thugs are gunning each other down over Slurpees, Doritos and Phillies Blunts.
c. The ultra snooty corner bakery that peddles foofy $6 cupcakes...but the baker is guarding the door with a rolling pin and a larger than life butcher's knife.
d. The stationary and pen store, where no one is at all...and probably haven't been in five years.

5. Now that everyone you loved or knew is dead, you get to recreate yourself in the post-apocalyptic world! Tres exciting! You become:
a. a scavenging ninja that remains under the radar.
b. a loner trigger-happy commando bent on eradicating all potential threats.
c. a cult-like leader who intimidates everyone by surrounding themself with thugs.
d. yourself because you haven't the time while you're recreating your family out of volley balls.

6. The Mayans were right and the apocalypse is coming.
a. True
b. False (note: picking false may result in several years of your friends saying, "I told you so.")

7. You're starving because you are a terrible scavenger. You look through your kitchen and must eat something. Your options are:
a. pickled beets
b. moldy brie
c. a dead cockroach as big as your thumb
d. screw this, I'll starve to death.

8. You're pretty sure the apocalypse is coming. A month prior, you decide to spend all your money since it will be of no use when end-of-the-world doom comes. You:
a. make it rain at The Snatch Ranch strip club.
b. buy all your friends and family the things they always wanted for Christmas, and give them their gifts early.
c. sell your house, and all your earthly possessions, buy an RV and tour the country.
d. buy as many weapons as you can, and stock up at the Army Surplus store, then stock up on canned beans and bottled water. And Gas-X, because who wants to sit in their own farts all through the apocalypse?

9. Once the electricity doesn't work anymore, you need to create something to generate energy so you can still play your Wii after the world ends. What combination of household objects will work? (choose carefully)
a. silvery gum wrapper, paper clip, and a copper wire.
b. a hand mirror, a ball point pen, and a 10-year- old 9-Volt battery that you removed from your smoke detector.
c. a horde of mice, a 10-speed bike, and a Magic Mike robot.
d. an old broken fan, a tape player (remember that?) and a screwdriver.

10. Once everything has settled, the survivors are ready to reboot society. Now it's finally your chance to make a change! You suggest:
a. that everyone go out and procreate (maybe you'll finally get laid!).
b. texting lingo is forbidden, most notably: OMG, IDK, and LOL.
c. no more school...no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks.
d. that you all vote for one person to make up the rules so you won't have to be responsible when it all fails.


Congratulations! You finished your exam! Your grades will be returned to you on December 19th, and a passing grade will determine your chance of survival. If you fail the exam, a makeup exam is scheduled for December 21st. Please talk to your TA, if this date is a problem, and a later date will be scheduled for you.

Parents Just Don't Understand

Lately, there's been a lot of hub bub about the role that princesses, and anything pink and frilly play in our daughters' lives. We've got the non-fiction book: Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein, the viral Youtube video of the little girl going on a rant over pink toys, endless articles and blogs about the war on pink and princesses. Let's get a few things out of the way: I am a feminist, pretty hard-core, and I am a life-long tomboy. I wear Chucks and jeans and t-shirts of zombies. I have a daughter who is spunky, loves pink, loves being girlie, loves princesses and fashion. Did I hear a gasp? I sure hope not because the truth here is that I am fine with that. She also likes ghosts, zombies and scary stories. She's very free with herself.

At first, when she was still a baby, I was appalled at all the pink in the stores, and the princess brigade that smashed in my home. I was in horror. And then I lightened up and realized that pink and princesses were not my enemies. Maybe I am alone on this, but I truly believe that you should let your children explore their likes and let them be free with liking things that you may find horrendous (like Justin Bieber). It was an important lesson I learned from my mother, who never tried to shape my likes. What she did shape were my values. I do not stand in the way of my daughter trying to figure herself out. She's not a toy and I don't need her to be my identical twin. I want her to live this life to the fullest, and enjoy every moment the way she wants to. I'm sure I just painted a picture of a swooning, marshmallow of a mom. But this is not the case. I am a tough mom. I don't put up with rudeness, meanness, violence, laziness or acting stupid. I encourage my daughter to perform to her fullest, to always believe in herself, and to be kind to others. The same as my mother taught me, and I think I turned out pretty good (maybe my opinion, let the bickering begin).

Women and girls should have as many choices as possible. Isn't that what we feminists have been fighting for? Don't we want our girls to grow up being however they want to be? Even if it means letting girls like pink and princesses. That's when I start to lock horns with the other feminists. The argument that is often placed before me is that the media and corporations are brainwashing our girls to be silly, frilly, girlie messes. What I think a lot of people are underestimating is the power of parenting and the power of free-thinking children. I can't tell you how many times my mom said "you can do and be anything you want to be", so imagine my surprise when the Army recruiter told me I couldn't be a Ranger because I'm a woman. I think what this whole argument comes down to is the fear that girls are being taught to be mindless girlie-girls. Well, if you teach your daughter to think for herself, then what's wrong with being girlie? You can blame the media all you want for shoving girlie stuff down our throats, but ask yourself "who is the media". Trust me, they're not some horned warlock on the top of a mountain, watching over the humans. They are people, and they act on what the population wants. If something is unsuccessful, they stop pushing it. And ultimately, you, as a parent are responsible for guiding your children and teaching them to think for themselves.

I have no problem with my daughter's love of girlie things. She's just exploring her personality, and if that means that the feminists of the world shun her, then so be it because THIS feminist thinks it's okay for people to just be themselves. A woman who is girlie is no less of a woman who is not. There are so many worse things to be than girlie: a drug-dealing crackhead, a mean-spirited person, a violent criminal, etc. I'll take girlie.