Al Rescate! Cartoons to the Rescue!

Al Rescate! Cartoons to the Rescue!

It doesn’t take an astrophysicist to figure out that times are crappy. Economy: sucks, Government: lame, Environment: hates us, Foreign Relations: still broken up, no rebound. That’s a huge whopping plate of scary for the next president to take over. With 30 days to go, I still am not so sure that either Obama or McCain knows how to solve this mess, but really- who does?! Hmmm….who does? (light bulb) You know what? Since real people have screwed things up so badly, maybe not real people can fix the world! Maybe our future can be saved by cartoons!!!!! Before you say, “What the @#*%?” hear me out. I have carefully selected qualified cartoon characters who I think could save our country and probably the world.

Secretary of the Interior: Captain Planet. Oh yeah, that’s right. He’s our hero. He’ll take pollution down to a zero. By monitoring our land and what we do with it, he can make changes towards successful alternative energy and great bounds in conservation (and not just because he’s super huge). Plus, he’s a super hero. He can just blow smog away with his powerful breath.

Secretary of Defense: Zok (from the Herculoids). For crying out loud, he can neutralize attacks with his nega-beams that shoot from his eyes! And he breathes fire!!!!

Secretary of Education: Professor Xavier. He runs a school…for mutants. If he can deal with their needs, then normal humans will be no problem. And he fully endorses after school programs, such as the X-men. Bonus points: He’s already a professor!!!

Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs: Duke (from G.I. Joe) He’s been in ‘Nam, and ran four Special Forces schools. I think it’s time for him to have a cushy job. How’s that PTSD going, Duke?

Secretary of Treasury: Scrooge McDuck. He’s a skinflint. Unlike the frivolous spenders that run our treasury today, Scrooge McDuck will keep a firm grip on the government’s wallet.

Secretary of Agriculture: Farmer Smurf. Self-explanatory. Okay, so he’s a Communist, but he can grow anything! And he knows what its like to protect his crops from gigantic rabbits and disgruntled wizards.

Secretary of Commerce: Alvin Seville. This chipmunk is a straight up business. Each episode he has some new business project under wraps. That’s an amazing feat for a woodland creature. Well, aside form the fact that he can talk…and sing.

Secretary of Labor: Fred Flintstone. The man knows how to keep a job. And he works under some dangerous conditions. He’s got OSHA in his sights, and AFLAC on the brain. Have no doubts, Fred’s working for you!

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Nanny (from Muppet babies). Aside from the fact that she cared for and fed 8 beings in her house, she was able to keep the 2 human babies (Scooter and Skeeter) and herself from contracting strange Pig, Frog, Blue Weirdo, Dog and Animal (whatever he is) diseases.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Foofur. Not only does he know how hard it is to keep foreclosure at bay, but he is also generous and kind to those who have no home.

Secretary of Transportation: Optimus Prime. A car with a thinking mind. I wouldn’t question it.

Secretary of Energy: Dexter. He has a weird accent, but that kid can build anything. Need a nuclear warhead built in the basement of a quiet suburban house? He’s the kid!

Secretary of Homeland Security: Voltron. With a watchful eye, Voltron always knows what’s going on. Mighty robot, gentle heart- will not kill own humans. Anyway, when you have to battle Prince Lotor every damn day- that’s called experience.

Secretary of State: Jem. She has traveled the world and won their hearts with her kick-ass girl band. Even when she visited China and was accused of a crime, she was able to gain their trust and not get executed by a firing squad. Jem understands foreign relations better than anyone- she’s been touring for like ever, and is able to adapt to different locales’ customs (Showtime, Synergy!). No pit bull here, just sweet, sweet Jem.

Attorney General: Bugs Bunny. Call in the big guns! Smooth operator Bugs Bunny. No one, let me say that again, no one can smooth talk better than Bugs. He is lawyer to the core!

Vice President: Mr T. Before you say, “Wait, he’s real!”, just remember that there was a cartoon of this guy, and the cartoon Mr. T is not a real person. Mr. T is full of wisdom. He is tough and knows what he’s talking about (please see moral lesson at end of each episode). He’s an all American; coached the U.S. Gymnastics team and solved mysteries like: Mystery of the Mind-Thieves, Mystery of the Panthermen, and UFO Mystery. He can definitely offer his insights to the President.

President: Velma Dinkley. She may be young and inexperienced, but Velma has some serious brain power. She uses her knowledge to guide her to solving mysteries, holds strategy meetings with Mystery, Inc., lets Fred think that his plan has worked, and loves big drooly dogs. Velma may lose her glasses, but she always comes through and saves the day. She is the unsung hero that has saved the world from over one hundred villains such as, the Owl Men, Creeper, the ghost of Benedict Arnold, and Charlie the Robot. She can lead us out of these dark times! Let's face it, most of today's villains are just as cartoonish as the villains in her world.

Will the real Maverick stand up?

"Morning, Scott."

"Morning, Wells."

"Ghost Rider, we have an unknown aircraft. Vector 090 for bogey."

"Who's up there?"

"Cougar, Merlin, Maverick and Goose."

"Great. Maverick and Goose."



I don't know about you, but I have heard the word maverick so many times in the past month that I think the word has lost all meaning. I'd like to go back to the root of the word before figuring this mess out. The definition of maverick is: 1: an unbranded range animal; especially a motherless calf 2: an independent individual who does not go along with a group or party. The etymology of the word stems from a man named Samuel A. Maverick. He was a cattleman in the 1800's who intentionally did not brand his calves. He was also a Democrat. Is McCain a maverick? We could argue that till the cows come home (bu-dum ching!), but I think Joe Biden (heart!) summed it up pretty spectacularly. Instead of arguing if McCain is a maverick, let's look at some famous and not so famous mavericks.

1. Maverick, (TV series, 1957-1960) starring James Garner as Bret Maverick, an adventurous gambler who punched the crap out of a lot of villains. He had 2 brothers who were named Beau and Bart.

2. Top Gun (1986), starring Tom Cruise as Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell. He was a bad boy who flew amazingly dangerous...and destroyed an expensive military aircraft...and had sex with his government-contract instructor.

3.Maverick (1994), starring Mel Gibson as Bret Maverick in a movie based on the TV show starring James Garner.

4."Maverick" Matt- one of the monikers of a professional wrestler named Matt Bentley, cousin to Shawn Michaels, superstar wrestler. Note: self-proclaimed maverick.

5.Maury Maverick, grandson to Samuel Maverick. A Texas Democrat lawyer, congressman, businessman, who coined the term "gobbledygook" in reference to bureaucrat language, inspired by the sounds of a turkey.

6. Maverick chocolate bar, by Nestle. Had raisins, toffee, bits of biscuit, topped with caramel and dipped in milk chocolate. Discontinued. Some say it was the best candy bar they ever had, some the worst. Up for debate.

7. Maverick, Madonna's record label. (sorry Madge, McCain no likey you, though you are probably a true maverick)

8. Ford Maverick, a compact car, very ugly, made from 1969-1977

9. Maverick, character in X-Men, former member of CIA's Team X, then became known later as Agent Zero who was supposed to kill Wolverine (don't read Hugh Jackman, don't read!)

10.The Dallas Mavericks, an NBA team whose uniforms are designed by Sean "P.Diddy" Combs. Mascot is Champ the Horse who, according to one fan's rant, repeatedly humiliated a fan by pretending to urinate on them at a game for wearing a Warriors shirt.

You know, if you're not a member of the Maverick family, I think that maybe calling oneself a maverick defeats the purpose. It's like those organized groups who call themselves anarchists. Just don't make much sense. It seems the word is a cute phrase now. It's a buzzword with very little meaning anymore. Hopefully after Nov. 4th, the word will be retired from the lips of the media and put to good use at a later time, like say-talking about Samuel Maverick's family.